Somewhere Daring

Hahaha Life you’re a little trickster you think you’re funny

I’m trying to hold the greatness of this summer but the broken glass jar full of marbles are out of reach falling waterfall like iridescent tumbling, rolling away. The fishes feet tap dance in a pickle cafe where when you touch the trees they’re temporarily illuminated. (last sentence discovered while babysitting)

Little children need lathered with lotion or their skin burns.

They get flush fevers burnt sienna peach colored cheeks.

It’s like a massage the little one said. I rubbed the white soft silken protection into his skin across the arch of his cheek bones, the curves of his nose, the soft grape skin coating of his eyelids, his taut forehead and tops of his hands.

Be careful child don’t get burnt by the sun. It’s all fun and games splashing in the lush green explosion of a garden with diamond colored water but be wary time leaves it mark on your youthful skin.

June 7, 2010

Part I

Saturday on our way to get coffee we ran into the arts festival in Iowa City. Ecuador Manta was playing. There was an Argentinian family that sat behind us in the performance tent. They had two young boys with beautiful blue eyes like Gael Garcia Bernal. Their grandfather sat delighted at the sounds beating the rhythm on his knee. His grandchildren draped across his lap like capes of honey. Hiccuping in song. Their grandmother requested a song singing word for word in delight. Their mother a raven haired waif of a sycamore colored latina woman came over and the grandfather exclaimed, “Julia canta.” His grandson had exclaimed in song some spanish words without hesitancy and his grandfather lit up in excitement at the little boys courage and exuberance. Little oragami cranes and turtles, crowns, fish made of ribbon, the taste of fresh lemonade, the sound of soulful musica, sun showers with intermittent refreshing rain. The little boy asked if the music stopped the rain. And I said, “yes”. He stepped out from under the tent and looked at the sky and smiled. 

Part II

Yesterday evening I took my little sisters to the beach. It was warm out side but the water was cold. They were extremely excited. They laughed all over the place. They kicked each other in the back seat and argued. Adriana, the eldest, sat calmly controlling the radio as we made our way. 

Everything felt different. We’ve been to the beach a million times but today was different. There was a different feeling in the air. An expectancy like they know that the time they have with me is limited. They didn’t argue near as much as usual or cry. They really enjoyed themselves. I lay in the water motionless my ears beneath the surface my body a part of the body of water; seamless.

Another family splashed and played near us. A mother and father with their two daughters. The family was Muslim the mother wearing a brown hijab. The two daughters wore little kid scuba suits. Their father in khakis splashed with them. Their mother stood with water up to her ankles splashing her daughters. They were lovely. Absolutely beautiful and happy.

Children all over laughing. The blue sky ablaze with the sunset. A cool breeze keeping the water cold. Daniela, the youngest got mad at me when I told her it was time to go. She laughed and threw sand at me. Huge chunks of sand splattered my knees and she laughed exuberantly. 

Little morsels of time. I held them for what fleeting second I could. I love them so much. They’ll never know how much they mean to me. Later when we got home. My mom bought my two littlest sisters blackberry’s and strawberry’s. They mixed the berries with blueberries and muskmelon with yogurt. They ate this berry yogurt mixture while watching a movie. They were too cute. Sitting eating. Beautiful. They are just so full of delight, life, curiosity and happiness.

June 1, 2010 

I said good-bye to my older sister. I hugged her good-bye. Yes I will see her again. But this moment is the moment we jump off the precipice. I never thought I’d need to be tremendously courageous. I’ve often sat on the sidelines cheering on others and now I am making decisions in my own life. I am no longer sitting on the sidelines.

She was by my side making mud pies.

She was by my side decorating a twig twine held tree with easter eggs in the snow.

She was by my side on my fathers shoulders held in laundry baskets giggling.

She was with me when I cried in the front seat of the car at night.

She was with me when we collected sea shells on the beach.

She’s been there through everything.

I’ll see her again yes.

But we’re no longer siblings under our mother’s roof.

We’re individuals. Moving in opposite directions.

Our memories are no longer shared.

We’ve had to tare away.

Today

The last three days were lovely. We went to my sisters going away BBQ. Little Baby’s birthday party. The beach with lots of love and first swim of the summer. Things didn’t turn out as planned and reality seeped through the crevices but everything was wonderful.

I’m really researching Italian and trying to get a sound familiarity and grasp. 

Here’s the sights I’ve been visiting for further research and investigation:

http://www.italiatv.it/

http://learnitalian.elanguageschool.net/learn-how-pronounce-italian-language

http://www.fas.harvard.edu/~rll/resources/italian/media.html#webtv

http://www.bbc.co.uk/languages/italian/

http://www.babbel.com/

Going to Florence

May 25, 2010

I REALLY NEED TO GET MY THOUGHTS TOGETHER

Today I told my boss that I will be going to Florence this fall. My plane ticket is a round trip ticket for Sat, Aug 28 - Mon, Dec 13. I helped my sister pack up to move to Creighton where she will enroll in pharmacy school. I’m going to miss her tremendously. At first she applied last year to the University of Iowa and wasn’t accepted. This year she re-applied and was accepted to both Creighton and the University of Iowa. It was a tremendously difficult decision but she decided to attend Creighton. Throwing herself into the winds of change and challenges I think she chose the most daunting option. But she will rise to the challenge, I see the persistence, dedication and ambition in her every step and really believe in her. Creighton seems to see these same qualities and she was accepted into their pre-matriculation program. She is in the running for an honorable partial to full tuition remition scholarship.

Study Abroad

I have never flown anywhere. I have taken the Grayhound and driven across the country but have never flown. There’s absolutely no turning back now. I received a scholarship and cannot return this phenomenal support. I also really do not want to regret anything. I don’t want to be forty and say, “Geesh I wish I would have spent five wonderfully daunting months in Florence when I was in college.”

95 Days Away Is my Departure Date

This is here to help me organize my thoughts and prepare for my departure. This Saturday is my sisters going away barbeque. It is going to be a sad happy celebration. She will be embarking on a four year endeavor and pursue her life-long dream of becoming a certified pharmacist.

Last semester Leads to this Next Step

The theatre department at Coe College has tremendously influenced the person I am today. I remember being extremely anxious, timid, quiet and reserved. It took taking movement, theatre history, voice and diction and Tim Miller’s workshop in order to really workshop myself entirely shaping, contorting, experimenting, exercising and manipulating myself into strange positions that frightened me and pushed me into uncomfortable situations and positions. Every course was extremely challenging. Steven and Dennis are both individuals that expect their students to meet their challenges. Extremely difficult challenges that not only require collegiate academic requirements but really workshop you as a human being. I was incessantly criticized and every attack was constructive helping me to become the strong person that I am. My first experience with the theatre department was listening to Dennis Barnett perform during our freshman year for Martin Luther King Jr. Day he said, ” If it falls your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures, sweep streets like Beethoven composed music, sweep streets like Leontyne Price sings before the Metropolitan Opera. Sweep streets like Shakespeare wrote poetry. Sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will have to pause and say: Here lived a great street sweeper who swept his job well. If you can’t be a pine at the top of the hill, be a shrub in the valley. Be be the best little shrub on the side of the hill. Be a bush if you can’t be a tree. If you can’t be a highway, just be a trail. If you can’t be a sun, be a star. For it isn’t by size that you win or fail. Be the best of whatever you are.” (http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/special/mlk/king/words/blueprint.html)

With dignity, with honour, with respect and I realized that I needed to find my voice. I needed to hold it tight like a rope, let it be rinsed away in the ocean like a red silk sheet dissolving like dye, let it rise smokey like burnt tissue paper flickering red hot above flames and indeed gather courage collected like shells.

My first step was joining movement class. Someone used to holding myself within myself like a hermit crab I was pushed to be like a neon light dragged over time in front of a shutter colored light streaks, tight frozen stuck in resistance mud, water, bricks, sticks and I was liberated. I clamored through a map to the beats of a drum liberated by experiencing broken social expectations allowed to bathe in creativity. Theatre history let me understand the entire collision of history crashing fireworks of cultural expression over time. Voice and Diction made me memorise. From memorization my sister explained, “I sing a song I really enjoy and the memorized words radiate into a powerful unexpected shape; ephemeral.” There’s a structure in memorizing and it was a task that I did repeatedly. The second step liberating that structure from its constructs let color, tone and variation seep into its seems.

I haven’t written solely for myself in a tremendously long time. Here is an exploration of these thoughts that are circulating like colored balloons in my brain. I’m nervous, excited, anxious and just grasping at the straws of this summer trying to explain these varied sensations.

So SHY

So I realized right now going to midnight breakfast that i am extremely afraid.

i know these people.

But i can’t speak.

i can’t look them in the eye.

i’m terribly afraid.

i can never be in a huge room full of my peers.

i don’t know what it is but my heart beats vociferously

i feel terribly claustrophobic.

there’s so many interesting people and my brain clenches

i get intimidated frustrated isolated until i find you

the people that invite me with your hearts unconditionally

then i’m comfortable

that’s why i went